Here are the Notes and Action Sheet and Reference links for the talk I gave. “A Joyful Dare: Three Things you can do to have more joy in your life on February 26th, 2013. Download the file by clicking on the link.
Here is the rough transcript of the talk:
Why Joy?
I am not sure if I found joy or it found me… the way I decided to make joy my topic of research by asking…I had been in school so many years at that point it and it was getting to be and “ABD” all but dissertation situation…. So one day a group of friends, did a ceremony of intention of asking and I asked for my topic to be revealed to me.
Over many years of self-discovery and through all my studies and life happenings – little bits and pieces of the puzzle started falling into place. Some of my quirks are that past present future are somewhat blended for me… I am a terrible historian when it comes to beginning middle and end. If you ask those close to me about my conversation style – they will say I start in the middle of the conversation and wonder why (and sometimes get visibly frustrated) that they aren’t following me… it take this to be a tribute to my timeless, interdimensional nature (nice spin eh?). I do try to be mindful of past present and future when I am telling a story – but it doesn’t come easy for me…
The topic of joy comes to me naturally – it’s in me – what is even better is that it is truly in all of us (I will get to that in minute). I work with an amazing intuitive counselor – Barbra Dillenger who among other things helped me to discover my personal timing cycle – these are classified on a scale of 1 to 10 (although there are a few zeros). It is based on several factors – kind of like your “life number” for those of you that follow numerology – I am a “3” which is directly related to joy in this life-cycle system … so JOY is kind of inherent for me given my 3 timing cycle. This makes it both an easy task and a difficult one for me because that which is closest to me can be the most difficult to see… after a long series of “aha’s” I decided to study the consciousness of joy.
To know joy I really had to know my SELF (being in psychology this would seem obvious but as the joke goes those that need the most help go into psychology – we’re so busy figuring everyone else out we don’t always look in the mirror)…So there are lots of ways to go about this… some of the things that have worked for me are really hearing what friends and family are saying, those fun tests of personality many are on the web now. But the true key was that I had to reflect on them with my logic, my intuition really my whole being to see what was working for me in my life.
For example, a friend who was helping me with my dissertations said to me one day – I could have told you that but I know you like figuring things out for yourself and I would have taken the fun out of it …Hmm, I thought – how true.. I enjoy figuring things out (the converse being I don’t like to be told what to do or ask for help) so I have to find a balance here. (See how the reflection – part goes)
Having a strong background in the Psychology of testing – I explored lots of personality systems and test … through many years of practicing taking tests and giving them to others… things like…
I’m a divergent thinker – meaning my mind goes in hundreds of directions almost simultaneously thinking of possibilities – non-linear could be my middle name. This is why I titled my talk 3 ways to bring more joy into your life otherwise it would be 500 ways (honestly it still is – but the 3 helps to reign it in with a little more focus)… Joy and Marilyn asked for 5 or 6 slides – I am going really – your talking to the person who makes 60 slides for a 45 minute talk…
But because I tend to be a peacemaker I complied with the 5 slides request. The personality type of the Peacemaker comes from the Enneagram system. It has 9 personality types that people flow in and out of…there are several books about it you can find online.
Human design is another great system that has taught me a lot about myself both strengths and areas that aren’t my forte – it looks at energy systems and ways of being in the world. It is a very complex system that is well worth a look.
For those that are interested I have created a note sheet from this discussion that you can download freely from my facebook page or my website which gives you links to these various things. I am going to touch on a lot of topics – this way you can relax and listen. For compulsive note takers and those kinesthetics that need to feel the pen and paper and move (like me) go ahead and take notes and fidget to your hearts’ content.
One of the biggest surprises for me when I was writing about joy -– I have a good dose of the trickster archetype in my way of being. Why this wasn’t obvious as people had been calling me imp, and sprite and tink for years. (this trickster would be the coyote – for spirit animal interpretators, and the Fool card in tarot). I like doing things in unorthodox ways or new ways – but mostly, I like to have fun no matter what I am doing.
Academics call this questioning and bucking the status quo – “transgression.” A large part of joy for me is doing things my way – making my own path – asking “why.” If you start asking yourself “why” am I doing this, asking “why” – with the abandon of a two year old — you will learn a lot about yourself and your purpose.
Like we heard last night from Marilyn and Joeaux ( http://adironndaspiritualhealer.com/walk-ins/walk-in-phenomenon/webinars/ ) – who you were or even who you think you are doesn’t have to be what you become…when you take on the role of the trickster there are lots of ways to shift what is – Marilyn and Joeaux are doing workshops on shifting your reality all the time.
Trickstering is also about changing your perceptions about something – about looking at a situation in a new light. There was a Sufi story about a man who lost his keys and was looking for them under the light post late one evening. A friend walked by and asked what was he looking for? He said my keys. The friend said well I don’t see them here. Where did you have them last? “in the store around the corner” he replied. The friend asked WHY are you looking out here under the lamp post? Because there is more light here…. I can see better. So, who is changing whose perception here? You can certainly find what you are looking for where there is more light. Where could your life stand a little more light?
There’s a story my parents tell, As I child, they would come to me even before I could speak very well to help them find things – it was as if I had a built in “finding” radar. I didn’t remember this – but listening to my parents’ stories I learned this. I realized that later in life people still come to me because they know that I can find things be it their glasses, keys or information on the web. And better yet – I really enjoy finding things (and the search too). (unless it is something I have lost – but then I still enjoy finding it)….
All of these insights into my Self give me clues to what I enjoy and how I best operate in the world. I would also say that what these tests and stories told about me are guideposts – I feel it’s good not to become these ideas or make them your only story. Rigidity is the enemy of joy….it can box you in when you least expect.
We are all on a continuum of ways of being in the world. There are ways of being that are more natural for us and ways that stretch us. For example public speaking for me – I am an introvert by nature but I have enough extrovert in me that I like to share things I find out. Because it is a stretch for my nature – it’s not something I would choose to do every day – like Oprah. It would wear me out and drag down my joy.
Back to what I mentioned earlier – What I mean by joy is in all of us is that I discovered that many of the spiritual traditions talk of JOY as being our birthright as humans (galactic or otherwise). That’s right we are born with it – innate. Sufism, Christianity, Buddhism, Judiasm – all the major traditions and I am sure that there are many others that I didn’t uncover that support this belief.
So then the Big question for me was why do we not appear to be a joyful society – where is all this inborn joy??? Did we grow out of it? I think we “unlearn” it with all the shoulds and shouldn’ts and right and wrong that we internalize without exploring the why?
Lately, I have gotten into listening to Ted talks online. They are free….and there are a ton of them. A great TED talk to listen to is Simon Sinek he talks about the importance of knowing why. What is your why? This is another way of looking at your purpose. Why do you get up in the morning? Why do you do what you do? Why do you believe what you believe. These are the deep questions we need to be answering for ourselves. As a society we are immersed in the how and the what – but the meaning of life is in the “why: and for me it points to joy. I believe everyone can choose to live their joy – it’s not impossible – transgressive maybe in a society where deep down we are enculturated to believe that life is a struggle, no pain no gain there is no joy without sorrow and on and on. I don’t want to dwell on this – it is about choosing to be different to have a different life a different belief.
Another way to think with this “self-discovery/personality” idea is to really look at your personal strengths and actively use and cultivate them. Talk to people that know you and respect you and ask them to tell you some stories about you that show your strengths. (If they just make a list – it’s easy to “not hear” your strong points – examples are the best). Some of you listening are really sure about your strengths – I encourage you to explore them further – there might be something joyfully hiding.
Asking your friends and family what your strengths are requires being vulnerable, just as telling your stories. Being open and vulnerable is a key to resilience and joy – I heard another great “TED” talk on vulnerability by Brene Brown – she calls vulnerability the birthplace of “joy, creativity, and love.” It’s about being authentic and a gateway to how you discover yourself. It’s about opening yourself up and letting others look in…
Unlike the evening news that waits ‘til the end to show the only story that I am interested in …I am going to give you the 3 ways right up front and then expand on them. (By the way – I advocate NOT watching a lot of news in your quest to be joyful).
RECAP – Three Easy ways to Increase Your Joy:
- Get very well acquainted with your internal feeling of joy
- Use your personal joy feeling to navigate – to make choices in your life
- Choose, Magnetize and visualize more joy into your life with committed conviction.
Stumble Upon It
As you can see from what I have been talking about – I stumble upon things – in a good way – this is my way of being – maybe it is less messy to say I find things (when I ask). Sometimes I do have to pick myself up and dust myself off – but on the whole this form of stumbling is like having “happy accidents.” What is your way? Give it some thought. Here’s an example of stumbling upon…
In my travels with Gematria (where I work) I heard about a travel company. I like to travel and I travel a lot for Gematria – so it was a natural fit in several ways. What I said “yes” to was a training meeting with this travel club – World Ventures – a very large very loud training meeting. Being a bit of an introvert and a sensitive going to a training meeting like this is very much out of my comfort zone. I am there in the midst of 7000 other people in a large auditorium – reminding myself that I said YES to this and it was important to give it my best and go with it. I did and I really had an amazing time. It’s pretty crazy – I generally don’t enjoy crowds, I don’t enjoy loud (I am very sensitive), and I don’t enjoy sitting in one spot all day. Why did I have such a great time? First – I chose to, and second I was surrounded by a huge group of upbeat, excited people with a purpose. There was a coherent positive field that was immersing me.
Teaching Facilitating (This was saying yes to something I thought was “not-me” not in the realm of liking). This came about because my mentor at Marshall Graduate University needed a teaching assistant and because of my aptitude in statistics, he chose me. After doing this a few years and I finally graduated – he suggested that I try teaching an intro statistics class… I accepted and it was one of the best things I ever did. I loved it. He saw something in me that I didn’t see in my self – this is what I mean about self-discovery through relationship.
In my studies I also found that – what I stumbled upon were things that I enjoyed as a kid. Being in the woods, playing music, and gemstones… these are all things that I enjoyed as a child and as a result of focusing on joy for the months that I was writing – these things have found their way back into my life. I have made time to make gemstone jewelry, learn to play crystal bowls, cook, read and more..all things that were near and dear to me in my childhood.
The way I stumbled upon joy was following my intuition my gut feelings and giving it attention. Also saying yes to things that I don’t normally do – bumping up against my personal “status quo.” I’m a trial and error kind of person – I really have to try something to know how I will feel about it… not everyone is like this. Some of the things that I have enjoyed the most are things that I felt I either wouldn’t be good at doing or thought I might not like.
Navigating with Your Joy Feeling
I’d like for you to think of a time or an experience where you felt joy. For me my most recent joy experience was with the 2012 Lemurian Choir in Maui. Rumor has it we are going to do it again in Cancun in December. I can’t remember a time of feeling so light and so on purpose with so many happy and excited people all together to tone in ancient lemurian. That’s my most recent Joy spot. So now, think of what your’s is – it doesn’t have to be recent.
Let’s take a few minutes and Activate your Joy Navigation System. If we were in person, I would play crystal bowls for this activation… They are really great for shifting energy. Join me if you choose – (take a deep relaxing breath and release it gently. Close your eyes (if you aren’t driving). … go to that time where you felt the most joy. Remember it with all of your senses… what colors….sounds….faces… tastes…feelings…go deep into the experience imagine it with your whole being… really feel it – notice maybe it is a lightness, maybe you feel your chest opening – or like every cell in your body took a deep breath… what ever it is for you however you describe it – pay attention and just feel it fully as you breathe gently… now I would like for you to give this feeling a code word – anything you like something you will remember. Anytime in the future you wish to return to this experience this time this feeling all you need do is remember your code word and ask for it to come to you. You have just activated your Joy navigation system… now come back gently. Make note of your code word.
Isn’t that amazing – how thinking about an experience and imagining it makes us feel it? This is true about watching something as well.
This brings me to Mirror Neurons – I was watching NOVA Science Now on my computer In 2005. They were talking about mirror neurons in the brain. It’s part theory, but they do seem to be supporting it with research. On either side of our brains, there are neurons that connect our emotional system with our motor system. They have found that when people look at someone dancing or playing football they not only see them moving and their own brains act as if they are moving too – even though they’re just watching. Using special scanners, researchers have also been studying the brain when people are watching other people’s emotions. When watching faces of happy, joyful people, the watcher’s brain shows them experiencing the same emotions that are being expressed by the other person, and the experience is shows on the scan even stronger when the viewer copies the facial movements. So we can be watching someone who is experiencing joy and experience it ourselves – I think this is one reason why joy is contagious. And surrounding ourselves with joyful people and activities can activate it in us..
V.S. Ramachandran, a mirror neuron theorist, wonders if mirror neurons might not be instrumental in the creation of self-awareness, that in some way they enable us to form meta-conceptions of ourselves.
refer to WV story and Psych I believe this is why joy is contagious – combination of mirror neurons and the morphogenic field.
Making Room for Joy
Student Reader Teya – for dissertation question – we are all so busy how??? Can we possibly add joy to our list…
Say yes more to those things that your navigator steers you toward and have the courage to say no when you can… celebrations, happy groups, real social interaction… eventually those things that don’t bring you joy directly or indirectly will start falling off of your lists and calendars…
Take advantage of the things in your life that are special – Pets, friends and family – really take the time to enjoy and them and let them know. If you have had the pleasure of being around Joy and Marilyn in person – you experience how wonderful they are at expressing their appreciation… Relationships aren’t all about just significant others either – I got a mirror held up in front of me through my Kitty Dr. Zephyr. He has food allergies – now people that know me find this amusing… so I took him to a holistic vet in town. We use homeopathics and other nutritional things and a special diet to support his health. Classically trained homeopathy practitioners – look at constitution. Turns out Dr. Z is a phosphorous…which means he likes hanging out in the sun – enjoys attention on his own terms, and is very loving and very sensitive – which is a bit of a conundrum because he loves attention and petting – but doesn’t like noise – so when children visit and all they want to do is love and pet him – he runs because they are noisier than he is used to….a few weeks ago – I was taking him for a check up and our vet says – you know I think you’re a phosphorus too. I would go into that here but it would be basically repeating a lot of what has already been said. Case in point…I did move from WV to CA where you could argue that this is a bit more warm sunshine year round…and I am very sensitive (which I like to reframe as ‘responsive’).
Back to making room.. A simple way I found to make more room for joy and relates back to Mirror Neurons – that is to pay attention to what I choose to let into my environment – if I am watching TV – I strive to watch positive uplifting programs and I mute the commercials and play with my kitty or do something that I enjoy in the interim. When I read – I make a choice to reach for uplifting information – things that make me laugh or grow, listen to music that makes you feel good.
Overlapping your Reality and Your Dream Spheres.
Vulnerability and authenticity will help you with ongoing evolving self-discovery – and know that if you find something you don’t like in yourself– there can be strength within that. For example stubbornness when used constructively becomes persistence – used without discretion and without awareness and reflection, it can be a block to happiness and joy.
Let’s pretend you have a beach ball in each hand. One is red and one is blue. Let’s call the Red ball your reality sphere and the blue ball your dream sphere. Let’s go a little multidimensional … inside your reality sphere you put what your life is like now. I am going to put my partner, my friends, co-workers, my kitty Dr. Zephyr, my job at Gematria, my business GemNJoy, family, my 20+ year old car that I so appreciate that it keeps on going, so this ball is getting pretty full because think about it … my job represents a lot of things – it’s security, time 40 plus hours a week, growth, stimulating, frustrating – it’s all these things… What is in your reality sphere? Take the time to write it out…
What is your Dream sphere – how is it Joyful? In your other hand there is a blue beach ball and you are going to fill with what you want your life to look like – your dream life… For me, Excellent Health and well-being, abundance (enough to easily pay off my student loans), more time with friends and family, more fun travel, learning and growing with others… (I like what Simon Sinek said “Martin Luther King said he had a dream… he didn’t say he had a plan…) Dream big – even if it seems impossible in this now.
If you want a little structure to list the areas of your life for your spheres– try Maslow’s pyramid. Look at basic needs (security safety, food shelter); social/belonging (friends, family, intimacy), respect for self and others, learning or growth, beauty, and transcendence/enlightenment/meaning in life.
How much do your spheres overlap? How can you be a trickster and nudge or look at things that aren’t in your dream sphere in a different way so that they bounce into your Dream sphere? I would like for you to a suspend reality – imagine and envision your reality sphere merging into your dream sphere so that together they create a beautiful, round, purple beach ball and now you are left holding a merged sphere of reality and dream the two have become one. How does that feel.
On a practical level, how do you get them to overlap more – are you wanting your purple beach ball? (3 steps of course) It’s simply a practice of choosing joy through self-discovery.
RECAP – Three Easy ways to Increase Your Joy:
- Get very well acquainted with your internal feeling of joy. Remember your joy “code word.” Use it to activate your navigation system.
- Use your personal joy feeling to navigate towards joy – to make choices. Do this by reflecting on the things that bring you joy and paying attention to what things bring you joy daily.
- Choose, Magnetize and visualize more joy into your life with committed conviction. Ask for it!
Statistically speaking 3-5% of you listening have your purple beach ball – your two spheres overlapping completely or at least nearly – for you – how about dreaming bigger and see what happens ;0)
On the flip side 3-5% of you probably feel little or no overlap in your reality and your dream. Why not try adding some joy focus and doing these 3 steps as a daily practice?
When I started looking at joy as a way of being instead of fleeting instances that are here one day and dependent on situations – my life restructured and my reality and dream spheres overlapped more and more.
So the question of the day is…are you interested or committed? (I heard this from a talk by John Assaraf – so I thought about it in terms of my dream/reality spheres…
Towards the end of last year One thing I asked to change were some nagging health issues. I have been interested in making these better for over 5 years and I have found some things that have helped – but not to the degree I desired. Toward the end of last year I was done and demanded to find a better way…then all of the sudden because I was committed instead of interested things started appearing that started helping. I won’t go into the details but I have improved more in the last 6 months than I have since I was “interested” in changing. Being interested isn’t enough…for me there has to be a commitment to change. So are you interested in joy or committed? The cool thing is that because joy is contagious when you start experiencing it and being it more – so will people around you – even strangers that you bump into on the street. You can change the world.
What if the idea of a reality sphere and dream life sphere are a little too big to take on all at once – try listing out your reality day and your dream day if they don’t overlap as much as you like then begin to magnetize your dream sphere by looking at your reality day and seeing what you can let go of – what doesn’t fit your TRUE self – those things that you learned that you “should” be or feel you should do…. Those things that maybe aren’t so practical to let go look at re-framing them. Look at your WHY….to help you do this. Say you don’t enjoy your job yet you don’t have an immediate alternative. You choose to stay how can you reframe it so that it fits into your dream reality? Does it provide a steady source of income so that you can do things you really enjoy? Does it provide learning opportunities. What can you do there to choose more joy have more light? I was able to restructure my work so that I could do much of it from home or where ever I happen to be – so for me my joy and reality spheres overlap with my occupation.
Letting go of the status quo personally and culturally– for me joy is transgressive – it’s a trickster lurking in the weeds ready to surprise you with laughter whenever you choose..
Steve Jobs quote…
“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
― Apple Inc.
Download the file above for slides, notes, action sheet and reference links.